Miscarried baby burial tips
I can speak to the importance of the need to bury a miscarried child as I have suffered two losses. The first time around, I did not know what I was doing and I have regrets. My hope with this post is to provide the information you need to know about miscarried baby burial so you don’t have regrets and get the closure you need.
Miscarried baby burial is not discussed enough and information is not readily out there
With my first miscarriage, it was an early loss. I did not even think about saving pads to bury the remains. Nor did I think about the importance of burying on sacred ground. We had a lovely miscarriage service attended by family and friends and that was it. I spoke to several priests throughout and after the process and I learned how I could do things better if it happened again.
Miscarried baby burial is not something that is done often- know what to do from the start
Recently, someone commented in response to me saying we are having the burial this weekend, “oh so you were fairly far along in the pregnancy then?” This is the misconception; that your baby must be visible to the naked eye and able to be held in your hands before it is “buriable” worthy! From conception onwards, your baby can be buried.
A Miscarried baby burial can be expensive & cost prohibitive
Even if you know that you can save the remains for burial, the next problem becomes the cost of a funeral! This can be expensive for a person who was born outside of the womb. Fortunately, there are resources in place for babies from conception to age 1 year to make it affordable, if not free.
5 useful things you need to know about miscarried baby burial
1. Save the remains
-I cannot stress this point enough. For many women like me, they probably allow the baby to pass naturally if it is early enough in the pregnancy; save your pads for burial! This is what I regret most from the first time around. I thought that I was doing the right thing for my body by not having a D&C. I thought that letting things happen naturally would be best. A couple of weeks AFTER I miscarried, a priest informed me that I should have saved all of the sanitary napkins and buried them.
-The second time around we planned for a D&C to collect all of the remains. Some women may have a D&C and may not know that they can request the remains. READ THE CONSENT FORMS carefully. Even under the anesthesia consent form for my D&C, it stated that they COULD DO WHAT THEY WISH with the remains. I refused to sign, the nurses pushed back, anesthesia had to come, and it was incredibly awkward as I lay there in a hospital bed at a vulnerable time fighting to ensure that my baby could come home with me. At one point the nurses “promised” me that they would not throw away the remains. I demanded to see this on paper. Eventually, due to my will and stubbornness, the whole consent form was changed, hallelujah!
– After the procedure, they had to take it too the lab to analyze as there was some concern that it was a molar pregnancy. The lab preserved the remains chemically and put them into a plastic container. They even included the slide that they used to analyze under the microscope. We got all of the remains returned to us a few days later in a little care package with a stuffed animal. I mention in my miscarriage article why this is important.
2. Funeral Mass for a miscarried baby burial
-For our first miscarriage, baby Julian, we had a miscarriage service that was newly approved by our diocese at the time. It was lovely in that our priest friend performed it, our friends and family were there, and my friend was able to sing. There is nothing wrong with this but I wanted more.
-For our second miscarried baby, baby Clair, we had a Traditional Requiem Mass. I highly recommend it and discuss it more in my miscarriage post. I was dreading this Mass. I went to the bathroom before the Mass and I did not want to go inside. I knew that I would be flooded with emotions and tears like I was the last time. However, because it was in the middle of the covid19 pandemic and a couple of hours away, we decided not to invite anyone else. It was just me and my husband and the priest. I actually preferred it that way because I did not feel the need to hide my emotions, nor did my husband. I felt that it allowed for much better closure being alone as a couple.
-With a Mass, the baby is included in the Mass intentions which is very important especially as the baby was not baptized! We had the remains present during the Mass and baby Clair was sprinkled with Holy Water and had candles around him/her the whole time.
3. Miscarried baby burial should be on sacred ground
-Initially, I had thought that maybe I would like to bury the baby at our house. So many factors made me uncertain about this. What if something dug it up? What if we move? How and where would we have the ground blessed? Should it be at a cemetery instead?
–After praying, we decided that we wanted to bury baby Clair on sacred ground. Burial on sacred ground is something that we should try to achieve for all of our loved ones. To be buried on sacred ground is a sign of our hope in the resurrection and everlasting life. Also, it is hoped that Masses and prayers will be said for anyone buried at the cemetery. For example, here is part of the beautiful traditional prayer for consecrating a grave if it is not already blessed:
“O God, by whose mercy the souls of the faithful find rest, vouchsafe to bless this grave, and appoint Thy holy Angel to keep it; and release the souls of all these whose bodies are buried here from every bond of sin, that they may always rejoice in Thee with Thy Saints forever. Through Christ our Lord.”
-We were fortunate to have a couple of options for FREE burial. We loved that churches not only had sections of the cemetery for miscarried babies and infants, some dating back to the 1800s, but also that they provide the service free of charge. The last thing you need to worry about with an unexpected loss is expenses. For those dioceses that don’t provide free burial try here.
4. Coffin for a miscarried baby burial
-This part is difficult! There are formal baby-sized coffins, as with any coffin, but they are pricey. When searching for a smaller coffin, you will come across pet coffins in your search. I know that this does not help the grieving process. Thinking about the various shops for pet coffins and the thought of someone valuing a pet more than a miscarried baby stung. It does, however, help the wallet so push through. We measured the container the remains were in and found a simple bamboo box (not technically labeled “coffin”) for the burial.
5. Gravesite plaque for miscarried baby burial
-Again, this part is difficult because during your search you will find pet plaques that are probably more suited for your need. We found a shop on Etsy that was willing to work with us to create a custom plaque for BOTH of our miscarried babies on one plaque. We felt that even though we have nothing to bury for baby Julian, we wanted to honor and remember him/her too.
-We hope to not need to add another name to this plaque. However, going with the more affordable option of a plaque does allow for changes in the future. We figured if we have more miscarriages, or even if we don’t and want a formal tombstone, we can replace the plaque in the future should we want to.
Summary of 5 things you need to know
For a smooth process post-miscarriage, follow the steps above. First, save the remains. While you are recovering physically (and emotionally), research cemetery plots, coffins, and gravesite plaques. Have at least the remains ready for a traditional requiem Mass or service even if your coffin and plaque haven’t arrived yet. The burial can come later if the custom orders take a while. Lastly, coordinate with a priest the burial on sacred ground when everything is ready.
I hope if you are reading this article it either is very helpful or you never need to use it! Please feel free to share with someone that you know is going through this or might need it.
If you had a miscarriage before, what would you do differently if you had another miscarriage?
Read more about our miscarriage & infertility journeys here & here.
