I have a parent that is dying
Why do I want you to know how to cope with a relative with a terminal illness? -because my father has ALS (Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis also known as Lou Gehrig’s disease). When my mother asked me to call her back early one morning, I could tell from the tone of her voice that something was wrong. When she said your father has ALS, I knew immediately there is no cure. Here in this post, I will provide a guide on how to emotionally and practically cope when someone you know has a life-threatening illness.
Coping in anticipation of the death of a loved one is different than a sudden loss
When you and your loved one know ahead of time that their time on earth is limited, it is a different grieving process than losing a family member to a heart attack, car accident, etc. You and the loved one must cope and grieve at the same time. You must muster up the strength to prepare for the inevitable in terms of legal documents and funeral arrangements. Though we all must prepare for the unavoidable, it’s harder to make death arrangements for “when I die in 2 years or sooner” than a vague “when I die.”
1- Anticipatory grief and stages of grief
There is grief and there is something called anticipatory grief: anticipating death with grief beforehand. When a loved one gets a terminal diagnosis, you can rapidly experience all of the stages of grief.
- Denial – I am sure most people go through this stage. Does Auntie Mary really have breast cancer? Auntie Mary is so young, surely they got the diagnosis wrong? They have a cure-all by now right?
- Anger – I am so upset that Auntie Mary has breast cancer, she is going to miss out on so much in life. Her friends and family will suffer from losing her too.
- Bargaining – “Dear God, please cure Auntie Mary of her cancer and I will make sure that my godchildren attend Mass weekly”
- Depression – I feel so sad about Auntie Mary’s diagnosis, nothing seems important anymore. Why bother?- we are all going to die anyway. If you start feeling this way please reach out for help.
- Acceptance – OK Auntie Mary has breast cancer, how can I help her?
It is fine to grieve the news of a terminally ill loved one – do not feel guilty! Be sure to check on your loved one and others who know them if they are open to talking about it!
2- Research the illness
I work in healthcare so I knew exactly what the 3 letters ALS meant; he only had a limited time left on earth. It is a devastating neurodegenerative condition in which one loses control over one’s muscles, including the muscles that help you breathe. Even with modern technology, eventually one dies from complications such as aspiration pneumonia. There is no cure.
However, I still searched for advances and asked doctors at work for resources. You can find brief overviews or in-depth research on the specific condition. Your local library may allow you to access more detailed information as some research sites require a subscription. Knowing as much as you can about the illness will guide you with what to expect and how to anticipate needs.
3 Their needs not yours
You must be open to your loved one’s needs not what you think they need. I thought my parents should move closer to my brother in a condo/townhouse that was handicap accessible. My parents chose to build a suite onto their house that would have all of the amenities my father needed. Though this surprised me, it was what he wanted- not what I wanted- that mattered.
4 Visit More
Knowing that there is a limited amount of time with your relative or friend, it is now prudent to be more present. If visiting more is not an option due to distance, expenses, childcare needs, etc. take advantage of zoom and other apps that allow you to call anyone around the world by video for free! Send a handwritten letter, make a care package, send a gift, help him/her to meet his/her bucket list items, etc. If you have children, bring the kids around more often for visits. Try to make sure someone is there daily to care for your loved one.
5 Prayer & Forgiveness
If your relationship is strained or you are the victim of an abusive relationship, learn to forgive quickly. Love that person by praying for them. One of the priests at my parish once asked me when I confessed having difficulty forgiving someone: “You don’t want that person to go to hell, do you? – then forgive them; you don’t hate them.”
Even if you have a great relationship, still pray! They may ask you to pray with them! They might ask why they have to suffer, to which you can quote St. Bernadette. “Why must we suffer? Because here below, pure Love cannot exist without suffering.” Knowing what to say to a dying person is difficult. You can research specific inspirational Bible verses and Saints quotes that cater to your loved one. Some examples of Bible verses that might comfort someone you love who is very sick include:
John 10:27-30 “27 My sheep hear my voice. I know them, and they follow me. 28 I give them eternal life, and they will never perish. No one will snatch them out of my hand. 29 What my Father has given me is greater than all else, and no one can snatch it out of the Father’s hand. 30 The Father and I are one.”
Or
Revelation 21:3–5 “3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, ‘See, the home of God is among mortals. He will dwell with them; they will be his peoples, and God himself will be with them; 4 he will wipe every tear from their eyes. Death will be no more; mourning and crying and pain will be no more, for the first things have passed away.’ 5 And the one who was seated on the throne said, ‘See, I am making all things new.’”
6 Self-Care
It is difficult for everyone involved to deal with the news and the actual process of dying. It will certainly impact you for life so now is the time to incorporate coping strategies. Self-care can be time-consuming and therefore you may be tempted to sacrifice it. Don’t. Make time for a lunch date, massage, long bath, bike ride, walk/run, special dessert, etc.! Do something that helps you relax as often as possible.
If self-care isn’t helping, you may want to reach out for professional help. Don’t be afraid to speak to a counselor or psychiatrist or both! Counselors can provide more coping skills through therapy sessions. They can help as you actually verbalize your thoughts aloud and get guidance in return. A psychiatrist can help with mood-balancing medications or short-term anxiety medications (which can be especially handy at the time of death and during the funeral process). If you are uncomfortable with these options (or even if you are not) contact your favorite holy priest!
It can be a lonely time so, though difficult, ask for support. Friends and family may be fearful to reach out because they don’t know what to say or are afraid that you will cry. Reach out to them and ask them to pray for you and your loved one. Do not be afraid to bring it up in conversation when someone asks how you are doing. When the death occurs, announce it to the people you asked to pray for you. More than likely someone will offer support or a meal!
7 Paperwork and Legal documents checklist
Be prepared for the shock that comes with receiving a copy of and or helping to prepare these documents:
- A living will or advanced directive
- Health care power of attorney or proxy
- Power of attorney
- Will / Trust
- Funeral Arrangements and preferences
- Location of family heirlooms or special items wanted to be passed on
- Password list access for bank accounts, retirement accounts, etc.
- Updated beneficiaries
8 Arrange for end of life care
If you are the spouse or are otherwise able to house your loved one until death, start making arrangements as soon as you feel able. You may need handicap accessibility, handicap equipment, and hospital supplies. If your loved one’s medical needs cannot be met at home or they do not desire to die at home, arrange for a nursing home and hospice care (or palliative care). Hospice care can actually be set up in advance depending on the time frame and diagnosis so don’t be afraid to research your local providers.
9 After death, keep the prayers going for your loved one!
There are prayers and indulgences associated with praying for the souls in purgatory. You can ask a priest to offer a Mass for your loved one or you can offer your own participation at Mass for the specific intention of your loved one or for all poor souls in purgatory. You can offer a rosary or a popular prayer from St. Gertrude the Great:
“Eternal Father, I offer Thee the Most Precious Blood of Thy Divine Son, Jesus, in union with the Masses said throughout the world today, for all the holy souls in purgatory, for sinners everywhere, for sinners in the universal church, those in my own home and within my family. Amen.”
As time passes and your wounds start to heal, don’t forget to keep praying for them.
This is just a brief guide on coping with the death of a loved one from anticipatory grief to prayers after death. I hope it provided you with the information needed to help you through the process. Please feel free to leave coping suggestions in the comments! Follow me on Facebook and Pinterest for more!
